013: Walking In Shoes Too Small
“You change the world by being yourself”
-Yoko Ono by Clary Perry
I am not I.
I am this one
Walking beside me whom I do not see,
Whom at times I manage to visit,
And at other times I forget.
The one who remains silent when I talk,
The one who forgives, sweet, when I hate,
The one who takes a walk when I am indoors,
The one who will remain standing when I die.
- Juan Ramón Jiménez
Jung once stated that we, as people, tend to walk in shoes too small; that we lead diminished lives not in accord with our fullest potential. And, in theory, the shoes will always be too small. There will always be expansion testing the seams of our personal limits. It might sound uncomfortable but this is actually the fun part of life.
The point of individuation is not to be happy. It is about developing a clearer sense of ourselves and the callings unique to our souls of which Joy is a byproduct, one of many. But the act of constriction, forcing on that too small shoe, is in direct violation to our greatest asset: the expansive and dynamic soul. We pollute our spirit by living the life of someone else, either directly, through the surrender our own autonomy to another, or indirectly, by attempting to blend into a group and absorbing their collective conscience.
-Merce Cunningham, photographer unknown
“You have to love dancing to stick to it. It gives you nothing back, no manuscripts to store away, no paintings to show on walls and maybe hang in museums, no poems to be printed and sold, nothing but that single fleeting moment when you feel alive”
But as we’ve talked in previous letters, this fear that leads us to limiting our souls is the misunderstood marker that actually ought to guide our way forward. The expansive Self waits for you, behind the fear, beyond the discomfort of rising to your potential. Not unlike a mountaintop, we reach this personal pinnacle by passing through it. It’s important we begin to realize when we've reached our lived potential, even if it is only a graze of the wingtip. By simply noticing it, we have proof that this higher level awaits us. And if we can meditate on the feeling, note the physical, somatic experience of our state of being while there, we can better attune ourselves to the resonant moment and perhaps even bring ourselves back to that place more easily in the future.
As I’ve said before: feel the fear and do it anyway. It bears repeating. You deserve the chance to express soul more readily and it isn’t a far cry from where you are now, or at any given moment.
-Still from Milford Graves’, “Full Mantis”
“All you gotta do is feel your wrist pulse, and start counting, and you’re gonna find yourself at times counting a little faster and a little slower. You’re not gonna have a steady beat. If you do have a steady beat, that’s dangerous. Extremely dangerous.”
Just today, I was overwhelmed with a sorrowful feeling. Looking out the window at the clear, sunny sky, I wondered why I was keeping myself indoors. I set out for a walk, expecting it to be brief and wound up walking to Griffith Park where I sat in a sun patch, witnessing the families pass by, while one of Anna’s Hummingbirds fed on a flowering tree above me. From time to time the thought would occur to me that it was time to go, there were things to do. But I met this story with more stillness, recognizing it as my own discomfort with sitting that long in the face of projects I felt had to be done. But I didn’t have to do anything.
Instead, I prayed, meditated, listened to music, entertained myself with the antics of a territorial squirrel that barked at passing dogs. Despite my feelings, this was a purer source of my potential in that moment than me sitting around another five hours at my desk forcing out a few more paragraphs from self-imposed obligation.
It doesn’t always have to be some kind of conquering. Today my soul wanted to witness the world and take joy in its splendor. There is not only room for this in the dynamics of my Self, but these types of experiences are a necessity if my soul is to be expressed in totality.
-Meredith Monk portrait by Robert Mapplethorpe
“That inner voice has both gentleness and clarity. So to get to authenticity, you really keep going down to the bone, to the honesty, and the inevitability of something.”
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dream—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.
Last night, as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was Go I had
here inside my heart.
- Antonio Machado
-Robert Bly, still from “The Writing Life”
“It’s alright if you grow your wings on the way down.”
Shoes Too Small Journal Prompts
In what ways do you currently feel your shoes are too small? What about too big? Imposter syndrome is a good clue that we're diminishing ourselves with cruel self talk. Though, sometimes we just need more experience doing something to build trust with ourselves.
Free write about the ways you live for someone else. Follow this exercise with a free write about the ways in which you live for yourself.
List aspects of your potential. What does it look like, feel like, sound like, when you are living within that range?
Who is someone you admire for their dedication to Soul? Meditate on how they might be teaching you to live out your own authenticity.
Go forth and be yourself!
Inner Vision
